From my Soul to Yours

Mom closed your bank account today, yesterday they picked out your gravestone material, they decided what to put on the front, what scriptures to put on the back. Alan, I have missed you so much here lately. The Texas Rangers have been winning games. Every time they win all I can think about is your smile and your laughter, how happy you would be that they won. Every game you would be watching. How I wish I could pick up the phone and call you and tell you how happy I am on what mom and dad decided to put on your gravestone. Oh how proud you would be to show it off!
Dude how I wish I could hug you again! Have you come over for Saturday fun with the kids, and laugh at Dad eating my cooking. If I had known the last time you were here would be the last time I would hold my front door open for you to come in, I would have never opened it for you to leave! I would have insisted you stay longer. We would have played a board game, maybe even three or four! I might have even went and bought some new ones you have never played before! If I had known the last time I got to talk to you would have been the last, I would have said everything I wanted you to know. When I saw you in the hospital and you were intubated, I just hope and pray you knew I was there. I know Dad said they told you I checked on you every day, but I wish I could have seen you smile! I wish I could have hugged you and you hugged me back.
Drove by the gravesite again today, I know that is not where you soul is and that is just where your earthly body lies but still makes me sick to see the ground mounded up, the flowers on top. The day you left this earth my body was so sick, I felt like I was going to throw up every time I thought about you leaving, and when you left this world, my heart hurt so very much all the way down to my soul. I have never hurt this bad before and had to go on.
Each day on earth without you is one filled with grief, pain, and longing. I know it is another day closer to seeing you again. Damn I wish it was already here. I wish Heaven had visiting hours, and a landline. What I wouldn’t give to hear your voice, spend the day with you! My soul will never be the same as long as I am on this Earth.
They say siblings have a bound that is unique but our bound was beyond that, you taught me to care for another, our bond was almost like our souls were one. I always knew when you needed a distraction, I always seemed to know what you were trying to say even when Mom and Dad couldn’t figure it out, I always had a way of knowing when you needed something they weren’t giving you, you even got to the point that you would look for me to help them. How I would give for one more look of “OMG tell them what I’m saying please!”