Slow Down

Is this really my life now? I think about you all the time, I get a pit in my stomach when I think about you. I miss the fucking shit out of you right now. I regret all the times I could have spent the day with you and choose to have my own life.
I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad; you wouldn’t want me to have regrets, I know you were happy with the life we lived. I know you would have been so mad at me if I never had gone and lived my life. But sometimes Alan I wish I had decided to spend more time with you. I regret every time I decided to go hang out with my friends instead of staying at Dads house with you on the weekends. I regret all the thoughts that ever crossed my mind. I regret all the times I didn’t show up on your birthday at the house, I regret all the times you wanted me to stay and play one more game, hang out for one more hour. I regret not going to the hospital more when you were admitted this last time! I regret not being there before your soul left your earthly body. I regret being mad at God on the drive to the hospital.
When dad called me at 11pm Sunday night I knew. I didn’t stick around to wait on Rhonda answering the phone for Cody to watch the kids, I didn’t change my clothes, I didn’t grab my toothbrush, I grabbed my purse, my phone, and my keys and out the door I went. I didn’t even stop to grab my medicine! Ya know I gotta take my crazy meds everyday. Oh I was so mad at God.
Most people tell you they had a conversation with God, mine felt one sided, it really wasn’t a conversation but yet a screaming pleading match! Oh I begged God not to take you from me! Not to do it to me this time! To at least give me the opportunity to say goodbye, before you took your last breath.
When I got in dad’s van and started heading towards the hospital I was only going 10 over, when mom and dad both told me to slow down. I knew, I really knew then. Oh I wanted to just wake up from the nightmare that was becoming my life. I was driving alone, but not really, you were there with me weren’t you. Riding passenger telling me to slow down to calm down, you were right there with me. I felt you there, I felt you telling me it was ok. You weren’t bound by our bodies anymore. You were free of pain, you were at peace.