Set in Stone

They set your headstone yesterday. Do you know how hard that was to sit and watch one of my worst fears etched in stone being put in place.
You know I used to have dreams that would wake me up in the middle of a deep sleep crying and bawling. Those dreams were of something happening to you. I would have to call momma and ask her how you were. She would say why and all I had to say was dreams and that was the end of the conversation. We didn’t need to talk much about it she understood. Now those dreams are reality and I can’t wake up and call momma and just say dreams. Now its a reality I can’t get away from. I haven’t been back to the gravesite yet. I can’t seem to bring myself to go. I know you are not there but rather with me during the times I have no idea you are there. In the way my spotify chooses a song that reminds me of you. The way the dragonflies just fly by once or twice just enough for me to see you and know that it is you. The way something falls off a table of shelf that shouldn’t have. In the strangest of ways I know you are there.

Your headstone is wonderful. It stands out just like you! You were not one to blend in with the crowd and your headstone does not blend in. The black granite and the design. Its amazing. I never in my 35 years on this earth did I ever think I would have designed your headstone. NEVER. I honestly always was afraid mom and dad would go first. Not for I feared how to care for you but I feared having to tell you they were gone. To have to help you through the pain and struggle of not having them. In a strange way I am glad you went before them but I am so stubborn I wanted you here for many more years. I was not ready to lose you. I did not want to sit in that pew and say goodbye. You were not supposed to go yet. You were supposed to make jokes about me turning 40, and 50 and laugh at the fact that I was struggling with getting off the floor. Not having to face 36 with out you.

I don’t even remember where I started this letter to go. Just know that the day they set your headstone was two days away from your birthday.